The downside of being Nice

Some of us in Indian society were raised to be “nice girls,” which meant doing everything the world expected of us—how we dressed, how we behaved, how we dealt with our romantic partners, how we navigated our sexuality, and how we showed up in society at large.

To be nice, some of us tolerated many things: listening endlessly to friends who depleted our energy bank, doing all the household and office work, picking up the slack for colleagues, not answering back to bosses if abused, and staying silent to avoid conflict.

When people come for therapy and I bring up this aspect of being nice or people-pleasing, they often ask: “Should I be mean and selfish then?” The answer is no. I don’t advocate being mean or losing empathy or compassion for others. But I do encourage asking yourself:

• Where is this need to please people coming from?

• What beliefs or fears are driving this behaviour?

• What does constantly putting others first leave me with?

• Am I vanishing and depleting my own energy?

• What need of mine is being met—for example, does it validate my ego?

• What boundaries do I have in place for myself in relation to other relationships?

  
  

When people are asked these questions, they are often forced to introspect on life—on what they have become and why. When we examine this honestly, we often realise that it leaves us drained, unseen, and disconnected from our own needs and desires. It can create a quiet frustration or emptiness that we are taught to ignore.

While the intention behind people-pleasing is often to foster positive relationships, the long-term effects can be detrimental. Research indicates that individuals who habitually please others may experience: chronic stress and anxiety, low self-esteem, and emotional exhaustion.

The insight: Being “nice” doesn’t have to disappear—it can coexist with strength, self-respect, and assertiveness. The key is learning to say yes to yourself as often as you say yes to others. You can still be compassionate, empathetic, and generous, but without losing yourself in the process. This is how we reclaim our voice, our power, and our joy—without abandoning kindness.

It is crucial to establish healthy boundaries to protect your energy, communicate your needs clearly, and move towards authenticity. Along the way, you create self-awareness and compassion for yourself.

Do share—do you suffer from the NICE GIRL syndrome?