The Psychology of Sibling Estrangement
Key Takeaways
Perceptions of Childhood Dictate Adult Bonds
Parents may aim for equality, but children experience the household differently. Lasting feelings of favouritism, differential affection or unequal financial support from early years often persist as resentment in adulthood, quietly driving siblings apart.
Adult Transitions Create "Demotions"
Marriage, parenthood and demanding careers naturally create new primary loyalty networks. When siblings shift from being the core "family unit" to "extended family," the transition can feel like an emotional demotion if not navigated with conscious effort and sensitivity.
Financial and Status Asymmetries Amplify Strain
Disparities in career success, wealth or lifestyle create comparison dynamics. Money itself isn't the primary wedge—it's what status, power, condescension or shame represent within the relationship.
Unspoken Roles and Caregiving Create Asymmetrical Burdens
Childhood labels (the "responsible one," the "golden child," the "difficult one") often carry over into adult responsibilities, especially when caring for ageing parents. When one sibling assumes the bulk of caregiving without recognition or balance, burnout and severe relational rupture frequently follow.
Drift Is a Function of "Invisible Scorecards" and Unmet Expectations
Estrangement usually happens through a gradual fade rather than a sudden fight. When one sibling repeatedly gives while the other takes—or when silent expectations go uncommunicated—one party eventually stops reaching out because continuing to try hurts more than letting go
When we are young, we are a family: children and parents, all part of a single unit. Years pass. Siblings marry, start their own families, have children, build careers and develop their own priorities. Suddenly, what was once a unit is no longer a unit. The priorities shift to the new family, the children, the celebrations, work and their own responsibilities.
Then, one sibling repeatedly hears, "I did this with my family," and begins to realise that they are no longer considered part of that immediate family. They have become the extended family.
When did this happen? When did the people we grew up with, who shared our home, our parents and our childhood, become people we are expected to accommodate around everything else?
What sibling drift apart?
1. The childhood that siblings remember differently
In every household, parents will often say they treated their children the same. But years later, the children may have a very different perception of what happened. The eyes of the child and the eyes of the parent do not always agree.
You hear it often. She was the favourite. She was the golden child. The one who could do no wrong. The one whose mistakes were overlooked, whose needs came first and whose decisions were supported, while another child was expected to understand, adjust and make do.
Parents may not consciously set out to favour one child. Different children have different needs, temperaments and circumstances. But there is a difference between treating children fairly and treating them identically. The problem arises when one child repeatedly feels less valued, less heard or less supported than another.
Research supports the importance of these perceptions. A study of 708 adult children across 274 families found that perceived maternal favouritism, both remembered from childhood and experienced in adulthood, was associated with less closeness and greater tension between siblings.
Another study, using 1,470 sibling pairs, found that differences in parental financial assistance during young adulthood predicted poorer sibling relationship quality. Earlier differences in affection also tended to persist as the children grew older.
The implications are significant. What a parent considers a minor difference may become a lasting memory for a child. And what a parent considers settled may never have been settled for the child who felt overlooked.
Early patterns of treatment can shape sibling relationships for years to come. Resentment builds, relationships change, and siblings carry different versions of the same childhood into their adult lives.
2. Marriage, children and the new family
A sibling gets married, and a new family unit is formed. Children arrive, responsibilities increase, and time becomes limited. Naturally, a spouse and children become important priorities. There is nothing inherently wrong with this.
The problem is what happens to the relationships left behind. Does the sibling relationship change naturally, or does one sibling begin to feel that they no longer matter? Does every festival, holiday, birthday, family gathering or decision now revolve around the new family? Does the sibling who was once automatically included now have to wait for an invitation? Does contact become conditional on convenience?
Research published in 2022, using longitudinal data from 1,366 people, found that marriage or cohabitation, full-time employment and parenthood were associated with more distant sibling relationships during emerging adulthood. The effects are not uniform, but the transition into adult responsibilities can alter how siblings maintain contact.
The issue is not that siblings must always come before spouses and children. It is whether forming a new family requires treating the family one came from as less important, less relevant or less deserving of consideration.
3. The influence of a controlling partner
Marriage can bring two families together, but it can also introduce new tensions. Some partners encourage relationships with siblings. Others may be uncomfortable with the closeness, resent the time spent with the family of origin or expect their spouse to prioritise their own family exclusively.
In some relationships, a partner may actively discourage contact, create conflict around family visits or make the sibling relationship so difficult that maintaining it becomes exhausting.
There is research on the influence of spouses and in-laws on adult sibling closeness, although this is a less extensively studied area than parental favouritism. A 2016 qualitative study found that some adults perceived a sibling's spouse as contributing to reduced closeness, including through poor communication, prioritising their own family or restricting contact. The study was small, so it cannot establish how common these experiences are.
It is important to distinguish between a partner setting reasonable boundaries and a partner attempting to control another person's relationships.
A marriage does not automatically destroy sibling relationships. However, when a sibling repeatedly allows their partner to undermine the relationship, withdraws from contact or uses marriage as a reason to disengage, the consequences are felt by the people left behind.
4. Money, status and the comparison game
Children grow up in the same house, with the same parents and, often, similar opportunities. One becomes financially successful. Another struggles. One builds a career, acquires property, travels and enjoys a comfortable life. Another may face setbacks, unemployment, financial difficulties or circumstances beyond their control.
The difficulty begins when these differences become a measure of personal worth. One sibling begins to feel superior. Another begins to feel inadequate. Success becomes a source of pride for one and humiliation for another. Advice starts to sound like criticism. Help starts to feel like charity. An achievement becomes an opportunity to remind someone of what they have not achieved.
Research on socioeconomic inequality among adult siblings suggests that differences in economic position can complicate relationships. Shared history, perceived fairness and how siblings understand the reasons for those differences can influence how successfully they navigate them.
Money itself does not necessarily divide siblings. What divides them is often what money comes to represent: status, respect, power, independence and the belief that one person's success makes them more deserving of consideration.
A family can survive one sibling becoming richer than another. It is much harder to survive when one begins to believe they are better than the other.
5. Responsibility for ageing parents
This is often where the differences within a family become impossible to ignore. When parents are young and independent, the family can continue to function around old habits. But when parents become elderly, unwell or dependent, somebody has to take responsibility.
Who makes the appointments? Who takes them to hospital? Who pays the bills? Who checks whether they have eaten? Who lives nearby? Who gives up time, work or personal commitments? Who makes the difficult decisions?
Often, one sibling becomes the default caregiver. Sometimes this happens because that sibling lives closest, has more time or has a particular relationship with the parent. Sometimes it happens because the family assumes that one person will take responsibility without ever discussing it. And sometimes, the sibling who has always been considered responsible is simply expected to continue being responsible.
The other siblings may have demanding jobs, children, financial commitments and genuine limitations. But those limitations can become an excuse for doing very little, while the sibling who remains present absorbs most of the work.
Research supports the fact that caregiving responsibilities are not always distributed equally. A prospective study examining 537 adult children found that daughters, children living closer to their mothers, and children whom their mothers had already identified as likely future caregivers were more likely to provide care when serious illness occurred.
The issue is not that every sibling must contribute exactly the same number of hours or the same amount of money. Different circumstances require different contributions. The issue is whether the responsibility is acknowledged, whether the burden is shared fairly, and whether the sibling doing the work is supported or simply taken for granted. The irony is that the bling who does the most may receive the most criticism. The sibling who is absent may still be treated as the successful, uninvolved or favoured one. The sibling who has carried the burden may eventually be accused of being controlling when they ask for help.
And when the parents are gone, the unequal distribution of responsibility does not necessarily disappear with them. It may become one of the reasons the siblings no longer speak.
The scorecard nobody admits to keeping
There is another dimension to sibling relationships: the invisible accounting.
Who did more for the parents? Who received more money? Who was helped with education, marriage, housing or a business? Who was forgiven? Who was criticised? Who was expected to sacrifice, and who was allowed to pursue their own life?
Families may say they do not keep score. Yet siblings often remember these differences, particularly when they believe they have been treated unfairly.
The scorecard may be about money, but it can also be about time, attention, emotional support and recognition.
Research on adult sibling relationships increasingly examines these questions of inequality, fairness, exchange and family obligations.
The problem is not always what happened. Sometimes, it is that nobody is willing to discuss what happened, acknowledge its impact or explain the decisions that were made.
Unresolved resentment has a way of resurfacing at the next family gathering, the next financial decision, the next medical emergency or the next dispute over the parents' care.
Closing Reflection
Sibling relationships are shaped not only by affection, but also by the roles families assign, the expectations they create and the inequalities they leave unresolved. One sibling may remember being overlooked; another may believe they were simply given different responsibilities. One may see a spouse as the reason for growing distance, while another sees that distance as a necessary boundary. The same family history can produce very different conclusions.
This is what makes sibling estrangement so difficult to resolve. There is rarely a single account of what went wrong, and the person who feels hurt may not be the person who believes anything is wrong at all.
Marriage, financial differences, parental favouritism and caregiving responsibilities can expose these underlying tensions, but they do not affect every family in the same way. What matters is how these experiences are interpreted, whether grievances remain unaddressed and whether siblings can recognise the differences between their own experiences and those of one another.
References
Aldrich, L., Nomaguchi, K., & Fettro, M. N. (2022). Life course statuses and sibling relationship quality during emerging adulthood. Journal of Family Issues, 43(5), 1235–1262.
Büyükkeçeci, Z., & Çineli, B. (2024). Adult sibling relationships: The impact of cohabitation, marriage, separation, and childbearing. Journal of Marriage and Family.
Conger, K. J., & Little, W. M. (2010). Sibling relationships during the transition to adulthood. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 183–194.
Gilligan, M., Stocker, C. M., & Conger, K. J. (2020). Sibling relationships in adulthood: Research findings and new frontiers. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 12(3), 305–320.
Hank, K., & Steinbach, A. (2023). Sibling estrangement in adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(7), 2125–2139.
Pillemer, K., & Suitor, J. J. (2014). Who provides care? A prospective study of caregiving among adult siblings. The Gerontologist, 54(4), 589–598.
Prentice, C., & Tyler, J. (2016). “That woman who married my brother”: The problematic sibling-in-law’s influence on adult sibling closeness. Iowa Journal of Communication, 48(1–2), 130–144.
Siennick, S. E. (2013). Still the favorite? Parents’ differential treatment of siblings entering young adulthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 75(4), 981–994.
Suitor, J. J., Sechrist, J., Plikuhn, M., Pillemer, K., & Gilligan, M. (2009). The role of perceived maternal favoritism in sibling relations in midlife. Journal of Marriage and Family, 71(4), 1026–1038.
FAQ
1. Is it normal for siblings to grow apart as adults?
As people enter adulthood, life naturally pulls them in different directions. Factors like demanding careers, marriage, raising children, moving to different cities, and evolving personal interests mean siblings simply have less time and shared daily experiences than they did growing up.
Growing apart isn't necessarily a bad thing: A decline in contact or frequency of visits often just reflects busy lives—it does not automatically imply resentment, anger, or a broken relationship. Many siblings find they can pick up right where they left off, even if months pass between calls.
When to be concerned: Distance becomes a red flag when it stems from unaddressed hurt, active hostility, or a dynamic where one person consistently carries all the effort to maintain the connection.
2. Why do siblings stop talking to each other for years?
Long-term sibling estrangement rarely happens out of nowhere; it is usually the result of deep-seated issues that build over time or a single major breaking point. Common reasons include:
Accumulated Grievances: Years of unresolved smaller conflicts, perceived parental favoritism, childhood rivalries, or unspoken resentment that build up until the relationship fractures.
Major Life Transitions & Betrayals: High-stress events—such as caring for aging parents, estate planning, disputes over inheritances, or severe breaches of trust—frequently spark severe fallouts.
Harmful Behaviors & Toxic Patterns: Sustained toxicity, physical or emotional abuse, substance abuse issues, or persistent boundary violations often force one sibling to go low- or no-contact for their own well-being.
3. Can a controlling spouse cause siblings to become estranged?
Yes, a partner can contribute to estrangement, but it is rarely the only factor.
A controlling or manipulative partner may actively isolate their spouse from family members by creating friction around family visits, criticizing relatives, or demanding total loyalty.
However, it is important to look at the entire dynamic before assuming a spouse is solely to blame:
Voluntary Boundaries: Sometimes, what looks like a spouse "controlling" a sibling is actually that sibling choosing to set firm boundaries against family interference, hostility, or dysfunction, using their partner for support.
Pre-existing Friction: A new partner might simply highlight or accelerate unhealthy family dynamics that were already present long before they arrived.
4. Should you reconnect with a sibling who has hurt you?
Reconnecting with a sibling who has caused you harm is a personal choice that depends heavily on safety, accountability, and current dynamics. Consider the following before taking a step forward:
Has the behavior changed? True reconciliation requires the person who caused harm to acknowledge their actions, show genuine remorse, and demonstrate a sustained change in behavior.
Protect your boundaries: Reconnecting does not mean you have to forget the past or pretend nothing happened. You can explore a low-contact or structured relationship with clear emotional boundaries.
It is okay to stay distant: If past interactions were abusive, or if reaching out poses a threat to your emotional or mental well-being, keeping your distance is often the healthiest and safest choice. Healing does not strictly require reconciliation.
Author Bio
Monica Kapur is an Art Therapist based in Delhi and working globally online. She specializes in helping individuals overcome anxiety, stress, trauma, and emotional blocks through Art Therapy, somatic practices, and neurographica. Passionate about mental health, she writes to inspire readers to pause, reflect, and reshape their lives with greater clarity and compassion.
Comments